I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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