i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
