I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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