i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
