Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
