my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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