it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
