someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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