she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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