Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize