hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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