so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize