You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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