How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
