please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
