I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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