If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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