I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
