I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize