If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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