i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
