I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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