Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
