he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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