dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
