I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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