So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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