I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
