Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
