We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
