My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my shit smells like andre
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
