Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
