I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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