failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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