Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
