I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
