the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
