he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish there were birth control emojis
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
