Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
