Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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