are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
