she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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