Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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