you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
