I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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