How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
