I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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