Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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