and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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