my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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