From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
