I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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