so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
