I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
