You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
