so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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