woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
