Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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