She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
