I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
